Calling it now; xXx 3 will be the standout comedy of 2017, although I don’t think the filmmakers meant for it to be. I have never been so ambivalent in my hatred and love of this putrid movie. The acting was terrible, the writing somehow more terrible, and yet it was an entertaining way to spend a few hours with your brain checked-out. It was great watching Vin Diesel play a lamer version of his Fast and the Furious character in a blatant rip off that I’d call foul if he wasn’t a Producer on both projects.
So Vin is playing Xander Cage, a guy with inexplicably good spy skills and intuitiveness, especially for someone whose life is ‘extreme sports’ and saying hip words like ‘grouse’ and ‘cowabunga’. The other thing I can’t reason with is how many women are attracted to him; he makes James Bond seem like a leper, and his wise cracks and attitude are either arrogant or grossly unfunny.
Yet somehow when the world is in dire straits once again, the United States Government (the most powerful entity on our planet) must enlist the skills of some dude who has savant-like powers when it comes to sport and some kind of divine intervention when it comes to luck. And despite claiming he was dead in the previous film starring Ice Cube, seems like someone in Hollywood saw a payday and here we are.
An evil person whom we don’t care about is taking over satellites and making them crash down to Earth like missiles. The first shot of the film shows one falling through the atmosphere past thousands of other satellites – first red flag, our planet is so big that the chances two will fly by each other, let alone orbit like mosquitoes to a lamp swarming around each other is preposterous, but that set the tone for the sheer ridiculous stupidity that was to follow in this film.
I understand this film isn’t trying to be realistic – fine, but I audibly yelled an expletive at the screen when his make-shift motorcycle come jet ski is dunked by a wave and he rides it out like it was nothing at the mid-point. Gravity, force and the super-human strength needed to make that work is the moment I switched gears in my expectation of this film, it’s when I gave up, and it’s when I started to love it.
The supporting cast with Donnie Yeng and some newcomers all provide moments of either cringe or chaos, but work in this obvious attempt to kick-off a new franchise (disclaimer; it ain’t gonna happen) I hate to tread on our home-grown heroes but Ruby Rose is abysmal, one of the worst acting performances I’ve ever seen in a Hollywood film, and that’s alongside characters whose first languages aren’t English like Tony Yaa.
xXx Return of Xander Cage is a disaster, never should have been made. Although the offerings of different action scenes, frenetic editing and some variety in direction (no character development not withstanding) the movie flows and in all its stupidity, provides enough ‘moments’ to keep you going, and if you embrace it all, you’re guaranteed a good laugh, intentional or not.
Rating: 3/10
